Change

Sometimes what lies ahead is more daunting than what I want to deal with. I start thinking about retreating or getting around the issue. Say what you will about facing forward and looking what you dread in the eye. It's not something anyone honestly wants to do. The urge to flee can be stronger than the urge to fight.

I've heard it said the only way out is through, but that's not necessarily true. Some days I can face the things that scare me and some days I can't. It depends... on who's with me, how strong I feel, and how sick I am of repeating the same thing over and over again.

And sometimes things are what they are. It's not that you're weak or self-centered or fearful, you're just too tired to do anything different and the unknown is something you honestly don't know and it looks bigger and badder than the ugly thing you're dealing with.

But eventually the time will come and you'll need to make a change. Sometimes that change will take you to a place you're not ready for, but you will be someday. And when that time comes you can rest assured you're standing on the shoulders of giants - people who felt the same way you do now, but worked through the difficulties and made it to the other side.

Some Day

Just so you know, someday this'll all make sense. I know it feels like a mess of a crazy quilt right now, but it will. And all those disparate pieces of fabric that were haphazardly stitched together will become something beautiful. Something to be amazed at. Something of true all out wonder because of how it all came together when it seemed foolish to think it ever would. But it will. And when it does you'll realize that nothing happens by shear accident. It's made from all the colorful pieces of life and love and joy and sorrow and the people, places, and things that come our way. Everything that happens has purpose and meaning. It's just that sometimes you can't see it when you're in the middle of trying to put it all together.

What Good Can Do

Now let us see what good can do, my brothers and sisters of the heart.

Orlando Shooting

We must not fail each other. We must stand with all people who wish to live their lives honestly. Who hope for a world of peace and understanding where we can live as who we are and not hide because of fear. I stand with peace. I stand with understanding. I stand for the right of every person to hold their heads high and say, "I have the right to live in peace like anyone else. I have the right to love and be loved like anyone else. I have the right."

What to Do

If you don't know what to do, do what you know.

Right Questions

The trick is to find the right questions. Once you know the right questions the right answers aren't far behind.

On my Mind

Pam Purdy has been on my mind for the last few days so I’d like to share a story so you’ll understand why.

In the summer of 1994 I went to a Quaker Conference with a friend that was being held in Amherst, Massachusetts. That Saturday evening we decided to skip the meetings and go to a cookout at a friend's house instead. They had invited a bunch of other people over and requested that I bring my guitar to entertain a little. After dinner I pulled out my guitar. A young woman sitting directly across the deck from me struck up a conversation after the first song.

“Wow, you really remind me of someone,” she said.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yea, when I was a kid my parents sent me to camp on Cape Cod for the summer,” she said.

I had been a camp counselor on the Cape during my college summers twenty years before.

“She had a twin sister,” she said.

My twin sister had worked at the same camp in the kitchen.

“And she played guitar just like you,” she said.

Well, I had been playing guitar since I was twelve.

At this this point I was desperately trying to figure out who this “kid” was. She would have been thirteen at the time and kids have a way of looking very different as adults.

“What was the name of this camp?” I asked. I thought there might be a slight chance there was another camper, another counselor, another camp that might be similar.

“Camp Good News,” she answered.

(Holy Cow!)

“I’m Kris Hillenburg!” I exclaimed.

“I’m Pam Purdy!” she jumped out of her chair.

We met in the middle of the deck in a huge hug. Every one was speechless. Stunned.

So here’s a little history . . . .

Pam came to camp in the summer of '74 not because she wanted to, but because her parents were in the middle of a divorce. When she arrived at camp she was very withdrawn. Sure, she knew what was going on. Her life was falling apart. I knew how she felt. My parents had divorced only three years before that. So I shared with her what had gotten me through.

During that summer Pam’s mother helped in the special activities I came up with, which built a unique bond within the cabin. When it came time for the kids to switch to another counselor my entire group went to the Camp Director and asked to stay with me. Truth is, they told her they wanted to go home if they couldn’t. So I had them the entire six weeks instead of three.

At the end of the summer they planned a hiking trip to Mount Washington in New Hampshire. The morning before the trip Pam’s mother came by to drop off her asthma medication. I was in the daily counselor’s meeting when she motioned for me to come out to talk with her. We stepped out on the front porch of the main lodge.

“I want to talk with you about Pam,” she began.

I got a little nervous. I wondered if I had messed up.

“At the beginning of the summer Pam was so depressed and withdrawn, I was really worried about her and how our divorce was affecting her. Now she’s made friends, she’s outgoing and she’s excited about things again. You know what the worst thing is?” she said.

“No, what?” I asked.

“I envy my own daughter.” she said placing her hand on my shoulder.

I didn’t know what to say.

And now, all these years later, here Pam and I are sitting on somebody’s deck eating hamburgers and hot dogs together.

Pam asked me if I would be willing to spend some time with her the next day. She had started her own carpentry business and was going to be repairing the front porch on an old farmhouse nearby. I couldn’t resist.

When she picked me up the next morning and I got in the car she sat there for a few minutes as if thinking and then said, “I have something to show you. I hope you don’t think it’s too weird.”

She opened up her wallet and pulled out a picture her mother had taken of the two of us from that summer. There we were, arms over each other’s shoulders, baseball caps screwed on, and looking goofy.

“I’ve carried this picture with me for twenty years,” she said. “Any time I had a tough decision to make or I was going through a hard time I’d pull it out and ask myself - what would Kris do?”

I laughed and said, “Believe me, you don’t want to know. I haven’t always made the best decisions.”

“It wasn’t that,” she said. “It was an ideal I could look up to. A higher standard.”

Pretty humbling for me to hear that.

Sadly Pam passed away April, 20th 2013. She was 51 years old. And, as is the way with things, we had lost contact again. But this week, and I can’t explain why, she’s back in my thoughts. So maybe there’s a reason. Maybe the reason is for me to share this story with you. Or maybe I’m just feeling sentimental. Could be. But let me leave you with this one simple thought.

You really never know the impact you may have on another person. Who knows, it might just change their life. I know Pam changed mine.

Perspective

Hey, there are things I just can't explain. Counter intuitive things that people do. At least they don't make sense at the time. But let's face it. We don't read minds. You really can't know what goes on inside of someone else. We barely understand ourselves.

And just when you think you've figured people out you realize it's not that easy. The momentum has changed. It's two outs in the bottom of the ninth with the tying run on third base. Now what do you do?

Well, it depends. It depends whether you're in the outfield or at bat. It's all a matter of perspective. Perspective will determine how you respond to any given situation.

There are things that you can make constant in your life that your friends, family, and co-workers will thank you for. Things that will give your life perspective and consistency.

° Always be kind
° Try not to be judgemental
° Laugh at yourself (don't take yourself so damn seriously)
° Do what you can to help others
° Remember you're not the center of the universe (honestly, you're not)
° Don't be so rigid - things usually shake out in the end

I know it sounds simple, but if we all worked towards these things the world would be a totally different place. And we could stand a little of that right now.

Circular Thoughts

When I visualize time I don't see it as linear. In my mind I see time as circular. Like the dial of an analog clock. Early to late, young to old, lifetimes to decades, centuries to eons - all continuous cycles of an ever revolving reality. No beginning. No end. Eternity flowing from eternity. On and on and on.

Likewise I visualize the year as represented by that same clock where the hours mark months. The equinoxes and solstices square off in their rightful quadrants. The turning of the seasons. New year turn to old and back again. Completed and repeated. On and on and on.

We are not insignificant. We are the links connecting this time to the next. What we do here, what we say here, how we treat each other is how history will judge us. This minute, this hour, this day, this season, this year, this decade, this lifetime. Perpetuated throughout time, who's invisible hand we hold each and every day.

So for me It's not such a far fetched thought to consider the idea that I will likewise return to that from which I came. Back to humanity's Garden. Where the created is once again aligned with the Creator in ultimate reconciliation and where I will move effortlessly to the next cycle of my existence.

In the meantime I hope to accomplish the work of my life before that time. If I can I will feel that I have done my part in the grand scheme of things.

Birds

Somewhere today some little hatchlings started to grow some feathers so they could eventually become birds so they could someday take wing and fly. Oh, they don't know this just yet. They're too young to realize just how wonderful it's going to be, but that doesn't stop their feathers from growing. And someday soon they'll be fledglings and they'll take that leap of faith out of the nest and they might even fly on the first try. But even if they don't that won't keep them from trying. And trust me, they will eventually fly, because they're birds and that's what they were born to do.

Meant for More

So you've heard the voice inside your head say, "You were meant for more than this." A voice that over time has become so familiar and so dear that where it speaks and where you listen may be the biggest mystery of all. And it's true. We are more than the sum of our parts. Even though it doesn't always feel this way, we are meant for more than this.

Everything that has meaning happens when we are present and open to loving each other. When our hearts and our minds are willing to see that even the simplest event, the smallest interaction, can be life altering - if not for us then for someone else.

But it all depends.

It depends on you and it depends on me. Both of us willing to see past our differences and biases. Both of us making the effort to look beyond our expectations. Both open to seeing each other as we are and accepting each other regardless.

So forgive me when I am less than this. I really want to be more. More loving, more caring, more forgiving. Give me the opportunity to show you who I really am. No, I'm not perfect. You'll see me trip and fall short. But I know in my heart I was meant for more than this - so I keep trying.

Will you make the commitment with me to leave this world a better place because we were here and cared about each other? Really cared? I know it's going to take some effort, but who knows, it might just raise the whole world up to where it's meant to be.